i'm back in paris! the strangest thing about being here is that it isn't strange at all- the year that passed seemed to have never happened. this isn't true, of course, because last year was incredible... i miss the waffle haus more than i could have ever imagined! but having that year was a blessing that i'm going to take with me wherever i go, and even though i'm not sure how it's going to shape my personality quite yet, it will present itself in the future.
so paris! is paris, of course. we've been doing some things like: walking until our feet fall off, picnicking with brie and baguette (and of course wine), reconnecting with some old friends, as well as some old bars, getting some DELICIOUS falafel, and generally just being back in the parisian swing. as much as this place is pretty great, i don't think i'd ever want to move back here for an extended period of time... particularly after being in the netherlands. the french are just so much colder and less friendly, whereas the dutch basically make out with you every time you speak. living in a place where you don't constantly feel like an intruder and an imposition is lovely. so, as great as it is to be back here, i'm pleased to go back to den haag.
with erica! lovely, lovely erica met us here in paris for a few days, and is coming back to the hague with us. our plans include picnics, walking, loving, renting a car to drive to the place with gigantic clogs, tulips, windmills, and of course lots and lots of dutch cheese, heading back to amsterdam (fourth time in four weeks?), and continuing my job hunt.
which seems to be reaching a breaking point, i think. i'm not giving up, for sure, but i feel exhausted with all the possibilities that i've explored, and not been able to take. i just sent out a few more emails to some people with some connections, but it might just not happen. the life drawing classes that require models aren't starting until september, and i really can't afford to stay here until then- so, unless i find something right quick, i'll be homeward bound in a few weeks.
and the more i consider it, the more i'm okay with it. i'm homesick in a way that i haven't been before- it's a wistful kind of homesick, but something that will be remedied with being back with my family. it's been difficult coming to terms with this, but in reality, it's so clearly the best choice. i'll have some time to reconnect with my family, save some money, and clear my head to find out what i really want to be doing with myself. this trip has been a really big learning experience for me, mostly in terms of sorting out what's going on in my head, and why. lauren and i have been talking a lot about life-things, and what we consider to be happiness and success, why we think that way, and if it's right. so whereas last year moving home was the most awful thing i could have imagined, and i would feel like a total failure... now it seems like the most important thing i could do.
think of all the things to do! i have such grand plans. even if i find a job here and stay until december, i'll be home eventually for awhile, and it's going to be great. i'm going to get more involved with food- growing it, making it, eating it, loving it. i want to get back on the piano and find a way to express myself that i think has been stifled for awhile. i want to read every book on every shelf in every library- starting with the classics that i despised in high school, but now i'm gaining so much from re-reading them in my current life-state.
i'm not even really sure who's actually around in bethel, but i'm okay with that. i've been learning to be my own person, to do my own thing, and to make myself happy with myself. and it's lovely, really, to not have to scramble around to find company and itch for something to do. if you're in the area, hey, we're going to be friends! if not, well, that's okay too. cross your fingers that i won't be back until the winter, but if i'm home next month, it's going to be a strange and delicious new chapter.
on a lighter note, there are more jonas brothers look-alikes in paris than i've ever seen in my life.
also, today is fête de la musique- the entire city is filled with free music all day long! we made a brunch today, and now the rest of my traveling companions are asleep (erica with a hangover, lauren with her mouth open, jess with her michelle-sized feet hanging out- and i love them all) until we head out to see saul williams and the mtv shake ton booty party. oh. man. this is going to be hilarious.
in the meantime, i'm going to go finish reading lolita by vladimir nabokov- thank goodness for james and his extensive library collection, that he's so good about sharing with us. if you're familiar, you know how fucked up this story is. if not, it's really fucked up. but so good. reading books with protagonists who aren't exactly moral a-listers is an interesting switch...
tu me manques, tous!
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