where the crêpes are hot and the nights are hotter

i'm back in paris! the strangest thing about being here is that it isn't strange at all- the year that passed seemed to have never happened. this isn't true, of course, because last year was incredible... i miss the waffle haus more than i could have ever imagined! but having that year was a blessing that i'm going to take with me wherever i go, and even though i'm not sure how it's going to shape my personality quite yet, it will present itself in the future.

so paris! is paris, of course. we've been doing some things like: walking until our feet fall off, picnicking with brie and baguette (and of course wine), reconnecting with some old friends, as well as some old bars, getting some DELICIOUS falafel, and generally just being back in the parisian swing. as much as this place is pretty great, i don't think i'd ever want to move back here for an extended period of time... particularly after being in the netherlands. the french are just so much colder and less friendly, whereas the dutch basically make out with you every time you speak. living in a place where you don't constantly feel like an intruder and an imposition is lovely. so, as great as it is to be back here, i'm pleased to go back to den haag.

with erica! lovely, lovely erica met us here in paris for a few days, and is coming back to the hague with us. our plans include picnics, walking, loving, renting a car to drive to the place with gigantic clogs, tulips, windmills, and of course lots and lots of dutch cheese, heading back to amsterdam (fourth time in four weeks?), and continuing my job hunt.

which seems to be reaching a breaking point, i think. i'm not giving up, for sure, but i feel exhausted with all the possibilities that i've explored, and not been able to take. i just sent out a few more emails to some people with some connections, but it might just not happen. the life drawing classes that require models aren't starting until september, and i really can't afford to stay here until then- so, unless i find something right quick, i'll be homeward bound in a few weeks.

and the more i consider it, the more i'm okay with it. i'm homesick in a way that i haven't been before- it's a wistful kind of homesick, but something that will be remedied with being back with my family. it's been difficult coming to terms with this, but in reality, it's so clearly the best choice. i'll have some time to reconnect with my family, save some money, and clear my head to find out what i really want to be doing with myself. this trip has been a really big learning experience for me, mostly in terms of sorting out what's going on in my head, and why. lauren and i have been talking a lot about life-things, and what we consider to be happiness and success, why we think that way, and if it's right. so whereas last year moving home was the most awful thing i could have imagined, and i would feel like a total failure... now it seems like the most important thing i could do.

think of all the things to do! i have such grand plans. even if i find a job here and stay until december, i'll be home eventually for awhile, and it's going to be great. i'm going to get more involved with food- growing it, making it, eating it, loving it. i want to get back on the piano and find a way to express myself that i think has been stifled for awhile. i want to read every book on every shelf in every library- starting with the classics that i despised in high school, but now i'm gaining so much from re-reading them in my current life-state.

i'm not even really sure who's actually around in bethel, but i'm okay with that. i've been learning to be my own person, to do my own thing, and to make myself happy with myself. and it's lovely, really, to not have to scramble around to find company and itch for something to do. if you're in the area, hey, we're going to be friends! if not, well, that's okay too. cross your fingers that i won't be back until the winter, but if i'm home next month, it's going to be a strange and delicious new chapter.

on a lighter note, there are more jonas brothers look-alikes in paris than i've ever seen in my life.
also, today is fête de la musique- the entire city is filled with free music all day long! we made a brunch today, and now the rest of my traveling companions are asleep (erica with a hangover, lauren with her mouth open, jess with her michelle-sized feet hanging out- and i love them all) until we head out to see saul williams and the mtv shake ton booty party. oh. man. this is going to be hilarious.

in the meantime, i'm going to go finish reading lolita by vladimir nabokov- thank goodness for james and his extensive library collection, that he's so good about sharing with us. if you're familiar, you know how fucked up this story is. if not, it's really fucked up. but so good. reading books with protagonists who aren't exactly moral a-listers is an interesting switch...

tu me manques, tous!

a job, perhaps?

i might have a job!!! once the beach turned me down (lame) and no one in the city needs extra help (also lame), i started to reevaluate other options... and i started emailing art schools in the area to see if they need models. at home, they pay a decent amount, so i'm hoping that this pulls through! i got an email from a woman who is the director of "several programs in the hague" and said she is going to call me about "several classes"! this is beyond exciting to me. if i can stay by letting people be moved by my beauty (obviously. ahahaha) and compelled (instructed, rather) to draw me, that would be so ideal. lots of down time, decent money...

the other option i have out there literally walked into me. or, i walked into him. i was leaving the house the other day and bumped into this guy who was talking about energy plans or something... long story short, we got talking and his family lives in new jersey, etc. etc., and he said his girlfriend works under the table a few nights a week and makes about 100 bucks a night. and he's going to check some things out for me and see if he can find me some work! awesome. it sounds a little strange, i'm not really sure why someone would make an effort for a stranger... but hey, i like it.

in not-job news, jess silber is here! my love, my love. she got here yesterday and we just had a delicious picnic in the park (bread, cheese, tomatoes, basil, stroopwafels, chocolade pasta wit, wine, wine, wine...) and got a little silly and went to sleep. today we're going into leiden to meet up with her friend anton who's taking us around (he's from there) and i believe to THE HERRING FESTIVAL. this has been a huge selling point for me since the beginning. hooray for the first catch of the season! and for the darling little dutch people who make a festival for it.

and then we're going back to amsterdam, because james is the shit. seriously, we went last week for one night, and ended up staying for four! he just keeps inviting us, and it's so appealing. seriously, great guy, fantastic conversation, and food that basically drives me into a delicious, delicious coma every time. last time we made (actually created) pasta, and pesto, and a pecan pie, and a blueberry crumble, and oh my goodness so many things. so, we're going back on sunday for a night (or two?)

and JACOB is going to be there! jake and i basically were up in each others' business all the time in paris- my homie, if you will. and he's how i met james- they went to american university paris together. so jake is coming to visit james, with emma (delightful british ginger who also cooks quite well!) and it's going to be just lovely.

so, cross your fingers about being able to sell my body, and we'll see how this pans out...

chocoladepasta in my mouth.

... this just needs its own post. this is my dream food. it's basically white chocolate in the consistency of thick, creamy peanut butter. what. what. whoever invented this is my new hero. lauren and i have both been slimming down significantly since we've been here, but this is going to take care of that for sure... AWW YISS.

wanted: gainful employment

oyyy. yesterday was emotionally draining, to be sure! it was the day i set out to find a job on the beach. scheveningen is the more popular of the two beaches, and every place i went in town to find a job told me to holler at the strand (beach). so, with a hopeful heart (because literally everything in the netherlands just happens, it just works in a strange way), i headed out to find a job.

not so easy. i hit probably 25 places on one side of the beach, and got flat-out turned town from probably 18 of those places. SUPER NICE PEOPLE, though, everyone was very understanding and wished me luck. i think 6 or 7 asked for my number and contact info, and said they'd call me. i have a feeling they were just humoring me, but at least one or two of them seemed plausible. one is at a place called copacabana, and the girl who owns it said she has a swedish girl leaving at the end of the month. i'm definitely going back there to stalk down her job! the other is the land of hot men. literally, the two most attractive men i've met since i've been here. the owner, i think his name is... well, okay, i actually don't remember. i was too stunned by his beautiful blonde hair and face and tall... anyway. and then he directed me to the kitchen manager, mischa, who is not only hot, but willing to flirt with me while i begged for a job. we'll see how that goes...

so, there are some prospects, but nothing totally promising. today we're taking the day off from the hunt, and going to a free concert in the spui (town square) with a picnic, then walking to the ICTY (international criminal tribunal for the former yugoslavia) where lauren is working. then, as per our routine, we'll probably come back, read in the park, take a nap, drink some wine, talk about life... it's a lovely routine. adding employment to it will only be more productive!

if nothing works out in den haag in the next week or so, i'm seriously considering taking a job in a bar in amsterdam that james can hook me up with. kind of a commute, to be sure (35 minutes each way), but it would be worth it to stay here! i gotta figure out how to do that. i love it here. i also found out that many of the masters degree programs here are in english and also can be fully covered. what. a free masters degree in leiden or amsterdam? i would say, yes yes yes. but we'll see- london is still calling, as is UC berkeley, somewhere in oregon, maybe new york, and i really do want to see if i could ever get into an ivy... but i digress.

if i can't find a job, and i do have to go home, i think i'm totally okay with that. i would LOVE to stay here, but if i can't get a job, it's two factors that i just can't help at this point- i'm not fluent in dutch, and i don't have experience in huge restaurants. i'm doing all i can, as well as applying for nanny jobs/ english/french/art history tutor jobs, etc... but if it doesn't work, then home is always where i can go and be loved and be happy. i'll eventually be back with butch and shirley for awhile, and whether it's sooner or later i can't say, but i will definitely be happy for the downtime and chill time with my family. i feel like i haven't seen them for extended periods of time in so long...

i need a bike. employment, find me!